Victim or Victor. It’s a choice.
After looking into my daughter’s death investigation, my investigator told me, “Marie, you’ve been victimized twice. First by the perpetrators and then by a police department.”
It took me some time to process this statement, but I knew he was right.
In fact, previously I had said to our first investigator, “Julia was screwed in life and now she’s being screwed in death.”
After the police left our home to tell us they had “found our daughter’s body”, I looked at my husband and said, “Whatever happens, we can’t blame each other.”
I had no idea the power those words would hold as time went on. Ultimately, I had unintentionally made a commitment not to blame him. I knew from a child loss story my mom had told me earlier that many couples ended up in divorce after the death of their child. I didn’t want to be another statistic.
Growing up, I had learned the meaning of “victim” as I watched my mom try to help people who basically never changed. They stayed victim to their mindsets or ways, never making the changes needed to live a better life.
Part of me felt justified in how I was feeling. There was even someone who told me, “You have every right to feel the way you do.” Part of that statement gave me freedom. Yet, another part of me knew that the way I had been living and feeling was not the way I wanted to live. I wanted to be free of the negative feelings that seemed to control me.
But how would I break free?
As a runner, I have had many experiences of working through physical pain in highly competitive races. My focus on the finish line and not on the pain of the moment is what kept me going.
We live in a society whose “goal line” is the present circumstances and feeding their own personal circle of pain rather than focusing on a higher purpose or “other centered” goals. Most humans have a “finish line” that includes their rights being met rather than the best outcome for other humans or themselves.
I had spent countless sleepless and tear-filled nights searching for ways to bring the justice and dignity that Julia deserved. But in the end, all I received in the summer of 2019 was a final police report filled with lies and omissions, stripping Julia of her dignity as they tried to paint a picture that somehow she was responsible for her death.
It has taken a long time to even begin moving away from the emotional abuse heaped on me in that letter. First, my own child’s life was taken by drug dealers. Then, a police department deepens the wound with their corruptive actions and words, stripping Julia of her dignity and leaving another scar in my heart.
I’ve learned and believe that the problems with most humans is that 70 – 80% of their thought life is based on the past. But I’ve also learned that with commitment to better your mindset and life, you can rewire your thoughts if you choose to do so. I’d highly recommend a book called Switch on Your Brain by Dr. Caroline Leaf for direct evidence and guidance on how to do this.
In closing, I want to share some “Marieisms” that have helped me through my own painful injustices and can help you with yours.
Marieism #1 – Stay fit and healthy. If you’re not fit and healthy now, then get started! There’s no question that my health has played a huge role in my life, even now as a grandma – being able to give piggy back rides, roll on the floor or race my grandson across the lawn. Exercise literally will change the way you feel. It’s scientifically proven and experientially proven. Of course I realize that some people have pre-existing conditions or situations that prevent them from being as fit as they could be. But everyone can take small steps in the right direction in the areas of eating, skin care and exercise. If you’d like help or recommendations in any of these areas, please contact me.
Marieism #2 – Take time every day to read books that focus on leadership or self-development. My son once called books “your own personal counselors”. Books literally saved my life in the years following my daughter’s death when I knew I couldn’t keep living in the same cycle of negativity. I read with intention, looking for hope, true change and a renewed mindset. One of the books I read daily, the Bible, states that we need to be “transformed by the renewing of our minds.” As we learn to change our negative or harmful ways of thinking, we bring health to our heart and soul and body.
Marieism #3 – Just because “everyone” is saying it and believing it, it doesn’t mean it’s right or that you have to believe it. Please don’t believe everything you hear or read. I’ve learned over the years to ask lots of questions and to research, research, research. For me, research includes talking directly with the “experts” on that topic (if possible), reading books on that topic, seeing what God has to say from the Bible, and many times, praying. Don’t blindly believe what other people say is truth. Use your brains and your common sense. Most of all, sincerely seek out the truth.
Marieism #4 – After you’ve been victimized, don’t let yourself live as a victim.
The definition of a victim is: “the action of singling someone out for cruel or unjust treatment.” Right now our country has been going through what I’m going to call “a crisis of victimization”. People are upset about being told to wear masks or stay at home. We’ve been told that there’s systemic racism. Whatever the issue, people need to stop blaming and start being responsible to make the changes they want in their lives. When you live as a victim, you give power to the perpetrator and lose the power to change. Even if an injustice is true, blaming won’t change the situation. Taking control of your thought process and your actions is what will ultimately change your life.
Marieism #5 – Believe in yourself and have a dream. Without faith in yourself, you have no motivation to achieve anything in your life. But YOU need to be the one who makes that decision about yourself. God has already chosen you as a valuable creation, or else you wouldn’t be here. Now it’s your choice to believe that truth and run with it. Even Mark Twain said, “The two greatest days of your life are the day you were born and the day you figure out why.” And the Bible states, “Man without a vision will perish!”
Marieism #6 – Above all else in life, take time to understand and know God, your creator. While the world and social media beckon you every minute of the day, God stands beside you with every breath you take, waiting for you to know Him and understand that he has created you for a relationship with Him. Until you make the choice to know God, you will never discover your true purpose in life.
In closing, remember that nothing great in life comes without work. I choose every day to exercise, eat right, fill my mind with good reading material and give value to as many people as I can. It’s only when I keep this routine that I have the best days.
Feel free to reach out if you want help or guidance with anything I shared.
God bless!
Living Beyond Broken
