I often think back to the moment when I saw my neighbor walk out into the church parking lot on Thanksgiving weekend in 2011, about eight months after Julia’s death and 10 years since she had lost her oldest son in a car accident. I knew because I had kept track. My youngest son and their youngest son had been in third grade together when it happened. In the early weeks after the oldest brother’s death, I brought a basket to their home, filled with items I thought might bring some comfort.

In the years following his death, I ran past her house frequently on my morning runs, glancing over and wondering what it was like to lose a child and how they were doing, sometimes saying a prayer. I figured that after a few years, they must be doing “better” and “moving on”…whatever that meant.

That day in the church parking lot, I went up to her and looked in her eyes intently and said, “Phyllis, I had no idea. It’s been 10 years, and I had no idea what you have been going through.”  She responded gently, “Marie, you couldn’t know. You hadn’t lost a child…until now.”

The New “Normal”

I despised the word “normal” back then, and I despise it now. How dare the counselor at La Crosse University tell us that we were going to live a “new normal”! Nothing in my whole being felt normal. In fact, I didn’t see how I would ever feel “normal” again.

It wasn’t until almost six years later, thanks to a mentorship business opportunity,  through disciplined reading, taking actions toward serving others and connecting with people, that I would begin to “shed” the baggage of pain and despair that had been holding me captive.

Even with a better mindset and more emotional stability, life is never the way it was before loss, and moments of deep sadness creep in on occasion. I have not been able to feel deep and abiding joy. As the scripture says, “Joy will come in the morning…” For me, morning means heaven; it is only in heaven that the imperfect will be made perfect.

It’s true that “you grieve much because you loved much”. More than that, I believe there’s an invisible bond between a mother and her child, so strong that there’s a  “oneness”. It’s so strong that you feel you’ve lost a part of yourself when they die.

Thanksgiving 2009

Today

So, it’s been nine years. Shouldn’t I be “over” it and focusing on the present. What’s gone is gone, right? Wrong! Not only was a strong bond severed at death, but it left a painful scar. It heals to a degree, but makes life a daily challenge.

As I told my fourth graders, “If you had your thumb cut off, it would heal and you could function, but it would be tough doing what you were used to doing without your thumb.”

It’s the same after loss.

Today, I sit here and have so much I could share about where I’m at. But I will keep it brief and promise to share more over time through my blogs.

I’ve been on my own, in regards to Julia’s case, for about eight months now. My former investigator became ill last June and has not communicated with me since. But I have had some great people come into my life that have offered assistance, as best they can. Recently, I was connected to a sharp attorney down in Florida, a friend of one of my former investigators. I am very grateful. As I write this, I am waiting for Julia’s complete case files to be sent to my home, hopefully by next week. The attorney is willing to take a good look at the recent interview by one of the suspects and see if there’s any reason whether or not her case should be in court. All I seek is the truth. I just want to understand what happened and if I should be continuing to seek justice. I’ll keep you posted.

Outside of the case, every day is a battle of the mind. Mostly, I’ve learned to conquer negative through taking the daily positive steps that led me out of my darkness and despair. And I do honestly believe that Julia is in a better place (something I hated to hear in the early years because of the pain). I’m grateful she is not having to protect herself from the difficult times we live in today.

Every day I wake up, the hole in my heart stares me in the face.  I go to my Bible and my books where God and great men and women counsel me in the way I should think and the way I should live. This gives me peace, strength and grace for the day.

This is why I’ve written so many of my letters to you about “choice”. Nothing great or truly significant in life just comes without work or discipline. I am grateful also for entering the new world of entrepreneurship, a life of giving value to others in so many ways. I’ve been strengthened and given new purpose in serving. We never know how our paths will evolve. We need to be open to what God has for us.

God bless and strengthen you all as you walk this journey with me.

P.S. 14 day Beyond Broken challenge