Marie’s Reflections

Death. Nobody wants to talk about it, even sometimes when it stares you in the face. As I write this, my aunt lies in a hospital bed, struggling to live her last moments here on earth.

Watching someone die is exhausting and challenging, whether they are old or young. My brother stated at Julia’s funeral, “there’s no death date on our birth certificate”. For some people, there are signs and forewarnings, such as cancer, disease or old age. For others, like me, it can be sudden and unexpected.

However, no matter how someone dies, the questions and feelings associated with death remain the same.

Death isn’t fair!

How could God allow the death of someone so “good” or young or important to me!

Where will my loved one be after death?

How am I going to live after my loved one is gone?

Life will never be the same.

I just want to die and be with my loved one.

Over the last few days, we saw obvious signs and levels of descent toward death in my aunt. Even this morning, I received a phone call from my cousin letting me know that my aunt probably has minutes or maybe hours of life remaining because of signs in her feet and legs.

My son Andrew wrote in Chapter 6 of Beyond Broken, “Seeing Julia in the casket was the worst thing you could imagine. Death is not pretty. She felt cold and looked blue and swollen. I touched her hair and it felt like a wig. But I knew it was just her appearance and not who she really was.”

Beyond Broken

“Life is unpredictable. It is easy to take our life for granted until we are confronted with the fact of mortality at a time like this. It does not feel natural to bury a child before their parents or two of their grandparents. Yet there are no guarantees with our birth certificate that we are owed a certain number of days.

I stared at the coffin. I questioned what people meant when they talked about closure. How could seeing her lifeless body bring closure? What did closure mean anyway?” (Chapter 1, Beyond Broken)

“My heart felt a pang of bittersweet joy when I saw a picture of the Bible in the middle of her ‘likes.” It was an anchor in the storm as I struggled to understand and find some clarity in my confusion. I momentarily felt assurance and hope. Grace became real as I struggled to reconcile her death with my faith in God.” (Chapter 7, Beyond Broken)

“All of us live out our days

In the in-between,

The interval of chaos and confusion,

Between death and reappearance.

Although such a time may be temporary,

And may pale into insignificance

Alongside the glorious future that awaits us,

Right now it is all we know,

And that is enough

To bring tears to our eyes.” ~Philip Yancy, The Jesus I Never Knew

I clung to Yancy’s words, reminding myself that the time of chaos and confusion was temporary and we would one day be reunited. I just had to have faith during the storm and trust in God’s plan.” (Chapter 12, Beyond Broken)

Daily Living

My son Andrew shares part of his faith and some of his struggles shortly after Julia’s death:

“During the week following her death, I cried like I had never cried before and have never cried like since. People were coming in and out of the house with food, but I had a low appetite. I had a lot of crying, praying, silence, and reflecting that week before the funeral. It was a time when I really put my trust in God because I knew this was the kind of thing that makes people turn away from their faith. People say ‘Why God? Screw you. Why did you do this to me?’ I decided to believe that I didn’t need to understand why and that He was going to be there to walk me through it and there was no other way for me to recover without him being my ‘crutch.’ I like that word ‘crutch’ because it’s like you just had your legs kicked out from under you. I felt like I wasn’t standing on either of my two legs. That was a huge faith turning point for me.” (Chapter 6, Beyond Broken)

Andrew’s words have challenged me in my own faith. I also had to decide, was I going to blame God or trust Him that He had a much bigger plan for me in this life and that “His Ways were not my way, nor His thoughts my thoughts.”(Psalms)

One of the very important things I’ve learned about the process of death is the comfort you can provide for both the dying person and the family. I’ve been at the side of my cousins as much as possible while they are tending to their mother’s needs as best they can. When someone is dying or has died, it should be all about the family, not about you.  It’s about being there and asking what you can do to bring some level of comfort. I’ve provided food, back massages, prayers, presence and love. I gave without expectation, and in doing so, learned the truth of “more blessed to give than to receive” as I saw the look of fatigue and sadness in their eyes as they watched their mother slip away.

I share a section in the back of my book on how to support the family that’s grieving loss. It’s called The Critical First 48 Hours and Beyond. I encourage you to read it and share it with others.

Death is an event that everyone will experience. It’s critical that we handle it as best we can and prepare ourselves for it. It’s not a matter of “if”, it’s a matter of “when”.

Remember as David wrote so many years ago, ““My times are in your hands.” (Psalm 31:14,15)

*Don’t forget to sign up for the 14 day BB Challenge, beginning Feb. 5th. Please click here to join: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1921904154599317/?epa=SEARCH_BOX

**For more information on how to be a support for those you love that have had loss, please check out www.beyondbroken.net